Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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