Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
