I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
