I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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