I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
