wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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