Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I AM VODKA MAN
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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