i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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