smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
