Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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