3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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