Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
