Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
