My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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