I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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