i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize