He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
