I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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