You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
