he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
