My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
