so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
