neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
