Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
