We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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