My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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