There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize