Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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