Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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