dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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