just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
