you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
