I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You brought string cheese to the strip club
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
