I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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