Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
