My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
