When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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