I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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