he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
