So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
