yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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