i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
