i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
