If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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