While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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