I hate your face
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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