I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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