I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
