I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
