I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
