True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
