Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
