it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
