I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
