you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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