So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
