You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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