I think my vagina is haunted
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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