i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
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