Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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